Friday, February 14, 2014
Don't get me wrong, I love my man. I love my kids. I love my friends and the rest of my family. I do. I just don't like having a day dedicated to having to prove it. Or worse, hoping to be worthy enough to receive it.
"How much do you love me? Oh, just a card worth? Wow. And here, I got you chocolate! Bitch."
I know it's not a contest, but it has always felt that way. Especially in elementary school with the dreaded cardboard mail boxes. I was sure my cards with be met with reactions of disgust. I feared I would get all the ugly ones in return. No one ever seemed thrilled with all the time and effort I put into picking just the right crappy ass card for each classmate. And if I just assigned them at random, the brats would read too much into them and tease the recipient of my sappiest one. No, Sir Poopy Head, I did NOT give you the "key to my heart!" It just says that!! Be glad you one from each kid in the class and shut up!
Needless to say, I was glad that torture stopped after 6th grade. Well, sort of.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
I've been told in the past, I have a way with words. That I'm articulate, outgoing, well spoken and intelligent. At times I would agree. Around close personal friends, I have the gift of the gab. On behalf of my children, I have become quite the advocate and ambassador. With a keyboard at my finger tips, paragraphs pour out with reckless abandon. Debate me in a topic I'm passionate about and it is game on!
Put me in a social gathering of 5 or more people however, and I lose the ability to complete an intelligent sentence.
Words become foreign. Thoughts jumbled. All eyes seem to fall on me and suddendly I find myslelf paralyzed in a panic I can only compare to stage frieght. I want to hide. I want to run. I want to be anywhere but there. Even with groups of people I have known for years. My anxiety defies all logic and understanding. Despite all reassurances, and acceptance from those around me , it thrives and at times is crippling. It has kept me from birthdays parties, reunions , and countless other events I would have otherwise loved to have attended.
Social anxiety. It sucks. It sucks away your will. It sucks away your ambition. Your drive. Your dreams. Your overall sense of self esteem. And replaces them with the lie that you aren't good enough.
Social Anxiety is a crippling fear built up deep with in, based on a lie. A self told, deeply rooted lie.
I am good enough. I am worthy. I do belong.
And so do you.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I know. I've been MIA for... ever. Confession? I was truly thinking about closing this blog down. Lack of interest on MY part. I suck at blogging. No big surprise there. But then I saw the blog stats. Wow. It has had a lot of traffic for being so small. And no surprise. Bipolar Disorder is a hot topic lately. Either you have it, you know someone with it, you saw it on TV, or your favorite character now has it. Stigma is being fought against a lot here lately and I am thrilled.