Bad day... again.
Realizing that I am NOT handling the whole "pre-cancerous" thing as well as I thought. Don't get me wrong, I am elated we caught it this early. I am thrilled we caught this all when we did, but... I still have huge moments of "WHY ME?!?!?" And I feel guilty that I have them. Stupid? Eh. I don't know what or how to feel anymore. My anxiety is at an all time high right now. I never wanted to make a big deal out of it. Not like it's gonna kill me. I mean, it is capable... but medicine is sooo advanced now, and the plan is practically fail safe. Worst case scenario, I have a small procedure done and *poof* gone! And yet, I am still a hot mess.
I thought my mood was pretty stable. Then something didn't go as plan and I lost my cool! BIG! At the time, I blamed the situation. How DARE that happen! It was so not supposed to go down like that! What, you ask? Does it really matter? Nah. It could have been the way the mail landed in the box that set me off. The actual triggering event, not that important. Although... I didn't think so at the time. Well, until something else semi-trivial set me off. I then sat back and took stock. What the heck was up?!? It was then, I lost my cool and broke down crying. I realized... I'm afraid.
So, does something like this count as a situation thing I just have to go through? I mean, anyone would freak if faced with something that (if totally left alone) could kill them. However, being that I am a ticking emotional time bomb (a.k.a. Bipolar), should I take extra precautions and get my meds adjusted?
To answer this question, I look to how I deal with my daughter's moods. Here recently, she has been a bit more on the hyper side. Or so I thought. She's been bouncy a bit more, laughing a bit too much... however, she has been doing really well in school and actually been social! (that's huge by the way.) Then other signs started popping up. She couldn't stop laughing without leaving the room, she couldn't focus on her homework, she demanded attention and took charge when in a large group of kids, sometimes by force (yelling and being a bully). She went from amazingly social, to socialite. Little red flags started popping up all over the place. However, she still seemed to be on top of her school work, she wasn't hurting anyone, and her rants were primarily toward her brother. Until... one day started snapping at people in school (that was new!), she wasn't paying attention in class, and homework was not making it home. Now, it was obviously getting in her way of functioning properly in her day to day routine. (not to mention she voiced her dislike on how she felt.) It was then, I made her an appointment. Keeping this all in mind, I compared her situation to mine.
1. Is her behavior and mood getting in the way of her day to day? Yes.
Is MY behavior and mood getting in the way of MY day to day? According to my family... yes. (sometimes you really need someone to evaluate this for you. you can't always see it for yourself.)
2. Is she comfortable with how she is behaving? No.
Am I comfortable with how I am behaving? No! Can't say I am a big fan of crying and getting mad.
3. Are there any stressers causing this recent change? Well, yes and no. She is a pre-teen. Some change is normal. However, as we were warned, with teen years, comes med changes.
Are there any stressers..... YES!!!! And here is where I get thrown. It's situational!! This would happen to anyone in this situation! But it is a long situation. Long stressful situations can cause a total hick up your delicate chemical balance. But, it is situational!! UGH!!
OK, so I think I have answered my own question. In order to insure I live through this (and not drive my family totally insane with my own insanity), I think I am going to have to go in and get assessed for a potential medication adjustment. This alone, freaks me out!! I just got on the Cymbalta and Trileptal combo! I was loving it! It was working fabulously! WHY did this have to come along and MESS IT ALL UP?!?!?
(.... again... with the "why me." Give it a rest already lady! You were chosen. You are special. You wanted to avoid any more children at all cost... here ya go! You are welcome! NOT, SHUT UP!) Isn't my internal dialog so nice and nurturing? What a bitch!
OK, so I am going to make the call. Not happy, but I going to make the call. I can not rely on taking Ativan every freakin' time I lose my mind! It isn't the answer. Well, it is an answer, but it isn't the BEST answer. (I hate freakin' med changes.) Taking care of me to take care of my family is the most important thing, so....
I'll see y'all in a week or so with an update. Hopefully, it will be a good one so my internal-bitch can stop being so mean! ;0)