Thursday, May 29, 2014

Here and Alive

I am here and alive. I know. It's been awhile. The name of my blog should really explain it all, but it doesn't. Not completely. Nope. Can't blame it totally on mood swings. Not this time.

I would also blame it on lack of time, but that too would be a lie. I have the time. I just chose to do other things. Not that I don't want to blog. I do. It's just when I have a moment to myself, I veg and recoup. To explain why, I have decided to fashion a list.  Easier for me to write and probably easier for you to follow. Trust me, if I typed this out in paragraphs, it would take for ever and get really wordy. In short, it would suck.

Long story short (as humanly possible), I give you:

What I did on my Blog Vacation
(the cliff notes)

Monday, May 5, 2014

Like I Had a Choice

It hit over 100 here today.  I hate heat. Never been a fan.  Luckily,  a wonderful breeze has kicked up and it is starting to cool down nicely. It's like nature's way of saying "I know that sucked. Here's your reward for being so patient."  Ya.  Like we had a choice.

Tomorrow,  my beloved 11 year old daughter will be graduating from the 6th grade. It's been a long twisted road.  In the past 6+ years, she has struggled with symptoms, therapies, med changes, evaluations, and compounding diagnoses. And all with a smile on her face. She has unknowingly melted hearts,  opened minds and squashed the negative stuff stigma is made of.  All by just being Cait.

Tomorrow, she will be receiving her elementary school diploma.  Her first educational document of completion. The school boards way of saying "I know that sucked. Here's your reward for being so patient." Ya. Like she had a choice.

My Daughter's Back Story: Cait is 11 years old. She has Bipolar II, High Functioning Autism formerly known as Asperger's, identified gifted and ADHD. She has a strong love of art and penguins. She wants to be a science teacher,  a director,  or build robots when she grows up. She might just do all three.  ♡

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Day o' Love

Valentine's Day. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I love my man. I love my kids. I love my friends and the rest of my family. I do. I just don't like having a day dedicated to having to prove it.  Or worse, hoping to be worthy enough to receive it.

"How much do you love me? Oh, just a card worth? Wow. And here, I got you chocolate! Bitch."

I know it's not a contest, but it has always felt that way.  Especially in elementary school with the dreaded cardboard mail boxes. I was sure my cards with be met with reactions of disgust. I feared I would get all the ugly ones in return. No one ever seemed thrilled with all the time and effort I put into picking just the right crappy ass card for each classmate. And if I just assigned them at random, the brats would read too much into them and tease the recipient of my sappiest one. No, Sir Poopy Head, I did NOT give you the "key to my heart!" It just says that!! Be glad you one from each kid in the class and shut up!


Needless to say, I was glad that torture stopped after 6th grade.  Well, sort of.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Social Anxiety Sucks

I've been told in the past, I have a way with words. That I'm articulate, outgoing,  well spoken and intelligent. At times I would agree. Around close personal friends, I have the gift of the gab. On behalf of my children, I have become quite the advocate and ambassador. With a keyboard at my finger tips, paragraphs pour out with reckless abandon. Debate me in a topic I'm passionate about and it is game on! 

Put me in a social gathering of 5 or more people however, and I lose the ability to complete an intelligent sentence.

Words become foreign. Thoughts jumbled. All eyes seem to fall on me and suddendly I find myslelf paralyzed in a panic I can only compare to stage frieght. I want to hide. I want to run. I want to be anywhere but there. Even with groups of people I have known for years. My anxiety defies all logic and understanding. Despite all reassurances,  and acceptance from those around me , it thrives and at times is crippling. It has kept me from birthdays parties, reunions , and countless other events I would have otherwise loved to have attended.

Social anxiety. It sucks. It sucks away your will. It sucks away your ambition. Your drive. Your dreams. Your overall sense of self esteem. And replaces them with the lie that you aren't good enough.

A lie.

Social Anxiety is a crippling fear built up deep with in, based on a lie. A self told, deeply rooted lie.

I am good enough. I am worthy. I do belong.

And so do you.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Back from Beyond the Blues

Hi all. 

I know. I've been MIA for... ever.  Confession? I was truly thinking about closing this blog down. Lack of interest on MY part. I suck at blogging.  No big surprise there.  But then I saw the blog stats. Wow. It has had a lot of traffic for being so small. And no surprise. Bipolar Disorder is a hot topic lately. Either you have it, you know someone with it, you saw it on TV, or your favorite character now has it. Stigma is being fought against a lot here lately and I am thrilled.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Do They Have Overnight Camp for 3 Day Weekends?!?

"Happy Memorial 3 Day Weekend, Y'all!!" I say with a forced smile on my face. Inwardly, it's more of a high pitched scream with a major sense of panic mixed in. 

Why, you ask?

My 3 children.  My 3 beautiful, sweet, caring, screaming, fighting, overly sensitive, ready-to-throw-down-over-the-remote, "Mom, he's touching me!", "No! Bugga, that's MINE!", "MINE! MINE! MINE!"... children. Don't get me wrong. I love them. Truly, I do. I just can not stand the close to constant bickering and fighting. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I love my children. l love my children. I love my children. Things you chant to keep yourself sane in the midde of the night.




Been awhile.  I know.  Been busy being... *sigh* Bipolar. Well, that and 40, falling apart, and a mom.

Isn't he cute?  This is so me right now.
Can I just adopt him as my mascot?
I am currently in month 3 of the Megace for the precancerous mass thing.  Fun times.  It has put my body and my moods through the ringer. I am not a fan of it.  It has maxed my stressful limits.  And, I am sorry... Bipolars don't do STRESS!!  *breath* If this was for anything other than a "potentially life saving effort" I would have been dead set against taking it anymore.  

In case you are wondering... yes, this blog entry is going to be predominately me complaining.  Sorry.

Well, ok.  I guess I can add something not so "me bitching about me," and more worrying about my kiddos. Caitlin the Bipolar w/ ADHD and Liam, my sweet ADHD boy.  I do have one other, but besides her wild child fits and Diva like demeanor, she hasn't warranted trips to the doctors and doesn't currently take any medication except for the occasional pain med or cough syrup.  Yet.