Tuesday, February 26, 2013

And Then I Snapped.

I started this blog to document my ups and downs so that others may see that they weren't alone. Also, so that those who deal with the mentally ill do not feel like their loved ones are the only ones afflicted. But then I have a bad day... and I hide instead of blogging... afraid of what you might think. It's been a bad day. I know I need to share.
I was recently diagnosed with a pre-cancerous mass in my endometrium which is the lining of my uterus. It sounds very serious when in reality is very easily treated. That been said, I'm scared out of my wits! It's been a lot to take in. I have hope... lots of hope. I am extremely confident that this will be taking care of, but it still scares the heck out of me.  What if something goes wrong? What if the medication doesn't work? What if I have to have a hysterectomy? What if it goes wrong? I know that's my anxieties talking. But they are legit questions. Right? I wish I could say that was the only thing bugging me.
On top of this already stressful event in my life, I have the rest of my regular stressful life. My Children have taken it upon themselves to fight with each other non stop for the last week or so. Nothing stops the bickering. There are several consignment sales coming up that I must prep for. The piles for which, have been staring me down every day from various corners of the house. My friends are struggling with mental health issues and keeping their marriage together. I have tried to mediate. It's not going so well. Then, I found out my Great Aunt passed away. While we weren't really close, it came as quite a blow. Her sister, my Grandmother, just passed in September. She and the 2 remaining uncles were there for the funeral. Then, to top it all off, my beloved S.O. has been out of work for 5 months now. While having him around has been nice, the tight budget has not. So, I guess it shouldn't have come as much of a surprise today, when my 2 year old decided to throw a hissy because she didn't get to go to school with Bubba and Sissy, I threw an even bigger one that required some friendly intervention, an Ativan, and "quiet time."
Most of these things I could probably handle on a regular day. Scratch that. Most of these things I could probably handle separately on a regular day. Grouped all together and top off with a steaming pile of  reality check of my own mortality, makes for a disaster waiting to happen. Especially when stress is a major component to them all. I pushed past my limit today, no realizing that my limit had changed. And then I snapped.
I guess what I want you to take for this is, just because you were capable of doing something before, doesn't mean you will always be able to do so. With mental illness there are many factors that are always changing. Whether it's stress levels, medication levels,  hormone levels, or even personal comfort levels... Things change. You have to be willing to adapt. Adapt or die. Seems a bit overly dramatic but... it is true. Suicides, heart attacks (brought on by stressful situations), and overdoses tend to happen when the stress levels are exremely high and people can not conceive any way out.
Although we may sometimes feel like we are super human, sadly we are not immortal. Be aware of your limits.

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